{感受}

[遗憾]
有伤有痛；又苦又泪，
却是成长过程必经的路，
寻寻觅觅，
只为找寻那[放下]一切的出口。
放下，就代表一切都过去了吗？

[悔恨]
带来的就只有泪水与伤害。
时间的流逝，
冲淡不了过去，
只加深了伤口上的痛。
努力的坚强，
只为了掩盖好[心]的脆弱。

[相信]
试着用[心]去适应，
却始总说服不了[心]
越过不了自己的[障碍]
眼前的一步，
似易似难; 似远似近,
依然选择停留原地,
不前进,注定是失败.

[希望]
总出现在[绝望]?
雨后都会有[彩虹]?
[坚持]就会有[胜利]?
跌倒了真的能站起来?
[放下]了也就是''重新人生''

whole day down

Today.. quite bad mood...Early in the morning been nagging by my mom..It's make me and my bro had a bad and down mood all the day.Speechless the whole day..It make me think about that..This is my life.What we must live under people control..Going to please others.This was totally make me lost and be crazy.It is because as long as I'm under my mom's child that I need be a obedient girl..Do all the thing that she order me to do..Am I really need a change because the circumstance,people,parent and fulfill everyone will..

Me need a change because.....

The strongest the surface,the weakest the inner.

Suppose to write blog on last night(27.2.10)but it was dead beat to me but full of meaning thing.It was Awesome..Went out early in the morning with kor jit pang to Malacca.Maybe it was unbelievable..this was my first time went to Malacca and could be said lot first time in my life ba..Had some quality time with jit on the way to Mlk..
Was surprise when he asked me about my family background.First time we talked about this topic.Could be say I was never mention these thing to everyone ba..It was NOT I felt any ashamed or embarrassing..It was because I did not wish to explore the wound again..Yes..It was painful and deepest HURT.BUT,how much I hide it,it explore much more that in my expectation.It was not seen like any HEAL as time was passing by.Yes..it took time to heal.Hope in shortest time.Along the journey,we chatted a lot.He could be the first one that I expressed everything to him ba.I cried in front of him.I knew that he was not purposely making me cry.The much he said,I seen like defeated bit by bit.You should know this was the topic that I MOST did not want to talk about.On the moments,I could not control myself.I did not know where I gained this bravery to talk to you.Wondering jit was strong or I was weak.
Frankly speaking,we shared lot secrets not only me but you too.I felt like more understand to you too.Yes.the secret was kept in the car le.Will fulfill the promise.One thing that I remembered till now was you told me"nothing can disappointed you unless I GIVE UP"Actually I thought about Give Up but on the car I did not dare to tell you..Because I did not wish to hurt the people anymore le.Thing turn even worse that I think about go HOME.(so far no such feeling now)But this is the thing I could not control.What I scared was this feeling attack me again and again.
Lot thing you told me about you was so surprise me.Yes.You have done lot thing to youths like us but how many of us could really understand you(if you never mention,I think i never know it)You have done the GREATEST job and finally I knew how much you have loved us.Before that,you told me "I love U"such words.To me so normal.Every pastor will told to their youth like this de ba.But this time was DIFFERENT.You are really care of us.Heard what you have done,the moment i feel very touching but I tried very hard did not cry in front of you again.Thanks.Really appreciate to know you.kor jit pang.
You asked me to trust you(you know Im not easy to trust people)But I promise you.I will tried my best,no guarantee a.You asked me be frank to you,just wanted tell you if I was not enough frank to you then I won tell you my struggle le. Sometimes feel bad,everytime gt problems will come to you.Feel like gave you much trouble.Sorry about that.Maybe I should learn not so rely on people.

Night on 28.2.10.It was last day on February as last day for me to full play.Agreement will start after more 2hours.Stop being playful.

I walked further and further.....

Was down tonight...Found out lot thing and scared it turned to fact..Was found out that I could not understand myself more and more..I was walked from a white area to a black and dark area..Started to lost the mayyee le..yes..it was coming soon until the day you all no longer to know who am I even myself..
Last time was said about that had lot hypocrite crowds around me..In the end,i found out I turned to hypocrite too..I was looking of pure my eyes and so my heart but it walked far away from me..Knowing judge people was not right..but I did that..Advice people could not hate the people but i hate the people..Love your enemy,love your neighbour..was easier said than done..Asked for forgiven but could not forgive those sin against me...Why why why???
Eleen was said that nobody was perfect as we were not God too..It was natural for human to sins because human nature was evil..Most important thing was us not to commit to sins.I was scared that I could not do that because the devil spirit was present me bit by bit..I scared that was the day mayyee was totally defeated..
Will it..Hope no but...

I was worry because of Im not worry????

Yes...one of my friends Josie was told me that she was worry because she was not worry anything..Flash back, I have the same kind feeling..Honestly said,by now Im felt quite lost..I did not know how to step out the next step..I knew that if I continued maintain the happy-go-lucky character..It all will GONE,including my STPM and about my future..Was wondering the road I taken was correct or not..Is it true that I wanted to be a doctor(my mom quite discourage ba,mayb she knew my charater well and knew that I won have the perserve ba,she gave me a laugh and walked away).Thought about it,it can be accepted when my mom gave me the kind of reaction..Asking myself?

Ability,strength,perserve...,have I???It was a BIG question mark appeared in my brain..Does it God's will..By now, I do not know..Because what I want was contrast to What I can...Everyone want to be a doctor,a lawyer but how many are they are really do..

Read a new was sent by a friend..Felt sad and down after reading the news..A NS friends was stabbed in a cafe.His initiative was so simple..That was helping friend when he saw his friend was stabbed by the gang..Helping friend end up compensate his own life..I could imagine how sadness,sorrow and painful was in his family now.Never knew the feeling if never experience this before..the kind of feeling when you losing your beloved...Yes..It was hurt..

Does it worth because a friend..Hard to answer..To him..I think when we come to the situation how many of us will do that..Step forward to help your friend regardless your own self safeness.I mean..true friend?

Here pray for his family is the only way I can do..May he can rest in peace..And commit his family to our Father in heaven..

New year is almost end le...Everyone can be said perpared themselve to go back their workplaces le ba..After a week holiday,went back to school today..Lot thing have changed that make me hard to adapt..Well,why have change? It could be said a sudden stranger feeling was appear among us ba.Not only from him.But the eyesight from yeesoon was so different today..Wondering what he trying to say...
Today,was feeling a bit'duo luo'..Lot homework not yet to do..The excuss was no time or tired..but in the end the biggest problem was come from laziness..yes..the problem was always lies on me..Started the 1st lesson was sleeping at behind..What was going on to me?Having biology lecture but was talking behind(feel bad that make the people sit with me cnt concentrate too) and end out double period lesson gain nothing..Always thought about that-is ok la..all can be read by ourself ba..do not worry so much..there was all bluff..
Yes..From now..Telling myself Wake up..You cannot be like this..Remember your main dish..

JOURNEY

Our life was just a road was a journey.....It was just like a road without end on the picture..Nobody knew what will be there in the end of road...There was not a smooth and easy road but full of challenges and guessing...BUT there was a way for you to know what will happen at the end...there was WALK THROUGHT it....Alot of thing was beyond our control....You would not know what will happen at the next seconds...Just like our life..nobody will know when it will come to an end point...
It wss true...Sometimes we will feel lonely and abandone in our life...Tried to give up....It was scary when you walked along the road without knowing anything...Hopefully could find a pair of hands that can help us when we were in darkness...Well,reality is totally different from the dream and hope...What we were trying to get for,it was totally come with a hard way even none....Somebody was gave up half way and there was no a confirmation wherever you were tried hard then you will get it...So,will you still try it and have faith in everything..